Change Your Mind
by Miss-HL
Summary: Castle is shot on a case and Beckett pushes him away for his own safety. He promises to call everyday to change her mind and take him back. Story is set late season four ish  Filled with memories about them getting together and shared moments.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Don't own Castle. Wish I did.

Italics are memories.

* * *

><p>Chapter One.<p>

"Kate, I'm fine." Rick smiled, trying to make her see that he was really fine but she was refusing to look at him. Eyes fixed on the floor and lips tightly closed.

"Please look at me." He asked, he took a step closer but she took one back to match him and keep the distance between them.

She did look up at him though; eyes cold and he knew he wasn't going to get anywhere.

"I'm ok." He smiled again, desperately wanting her to see it.

His arm was still in the sling and his he wasn't standing straight, he was slightly hunched over from the pain but he was smiling.

"You got shot." Kate finally spoke, shaking her head.

"I know."

"Do you? Because you're acting like it's not even a big deal. When I got shot, everyone was thinking it was the end of the world but when it's you, they just give you a slap on the wrist and tell you not to do it again. I signed up for this, I did the training and paid for the scars and people don't blink when you get shot."

"Your shooting was a different situation, Kate. People were after you, it was a sniper bullet to your heart, it wasn't some drugged up businessman who embezzled money and panicked when he got caught."

"You still got shot!" She was yelling now. Yelling at him in the doorway of her apartment.

He breathed in, tilting his head to the side and closing his eyes.

"I can't be the person that has to ring Alexis again and tell her that he father is in the hospital and he got shot. He got shot because he refused to walk away from this and thought it was ok to play with fire."

"Kate-" He started but she shook him off, holding the door in her hands steady.

"I'm not being responsible for you anymore, Rick. I can't do it anymore, you've done enough research to finish Nikki Heat and I've been selfish and kept you at the precinct. You're done with it, done with the 12th and with me."

"No, no way in hell, Kate, I just got you and I'm not giving you up that easily." His voice had changed, he wasn't trying to convince her now, he was pleading with her to not give up on them.

He could walk away from the 12th if he had too, he would miss it and it wouldn't be the same but he couldn't walk away from her.

"Yes." She was calm and reserved now.

"No, you can't decide that. We're both in this relationship and you can't just opt out because it suits you."

"I can and I have, Rick. We're done." She tried to close the door but he pushed it open again. He didn't step inside her apartment but he kept his hand on the door, not even feeling the shooting pain in his arm.

"No. Don't you dare do this to us, look at how happy you've been, Kate, that's because of us. You know it could work, you know don't want to give this up." His breathing was erratic, strained and he could start to feel the pulsing of the blood in his arm.

"No it wouldn't, it was all a game to you. To the both of us, it didn't mean anything." She tried to close the door again and he gave in, completely shocked but what she had said.

"I know what you're doing and it won't work. I know you're lying and you're trying to get me to hate you but it wont work. I'm not falling for it, Kate. I wont lose you."

She heard his head rest against her front door as she slid down the wall in the hallway.

This was for his own good, his safety and it made sure he'd return every night to Alexis and Martha. She wasn't good for him.

She told herself that and made it believable when she started crying. She could see his shadow under the doorframe and he waited for hours. She had almost fallen asleep from sobbing when she watched the shadow disappear.

She watched him walk away.

-x-

He left her to cool down and didn't bother her for a week. Gates had refused to let him back into the precinct until his arm was out of the sling and even then, she had told him that they had to seriously discuss his situation with the precinct.

He knew she was going to kick him out but he wondered how much of it would have been Gates and how much of it came from Beckett.

He rung her Monday morning when he knew she was at the precinct.

She didn't answer.

"I've left this for a week but don't you dare think I'm giving up on us. I'm going to ring you every day until you pick up and talk to me. Have a wonderful day, Kate."

He got no reply.

-x-

The next morning he wasn't surprised when she didn't answer again.

"I had Chinese for dinner last night and it made me think of that time when we had it from that dodgy place in Brooklyn and we both got really sick and slept on the floor on the bathroom in the loft. I'm thinking of you."

-x-

She saw she had a missed call from him and a voice message. She contemplated deleting it before listening but there was that worry in the back of her mind that something could be wrong and she needed to know he was ok.

What if it was something happening to Alexis? Yeah, she had to listen to it.

When she heard him reliving that fateful night where she let her guard down and let him in she didn't know what to think. Remembering back was harder than she thought.

"_Beckett." Castle knocked on the door of the guest bathroom at the loft._

"_Mmmhm." She murmured against the cold tile floor._

_They had been dating for three months and it had been her idea to grab dinner after they had been on a stakeout._

"_Open the door." He whispered._

_She had started to feel sick as soon as they got back to the loft. She tried to stretch her stomach out when she flopped down on the couch but was only a few moments before her stomach cramped and she had had to make a run for it._

"_No." She said, not wanting him to see her like this. _

"_Kate, open the door." He said again, this time his voice demanding._

_She groaned, sitting up to unlock the door._

"_Put your hands around my neck." He said, bending down to her. She did what he asked because she couldn't be bothered fighting with him now._

_He picked her up, hugging her tightly as he walked her to his room. His bathroom was bigger and was easier when you were throwing up everything you'd eaten in the last day._

"_Rick, I'm going to-"He put her down just in time before she heaved, him grabbing her hair in the last second._

_He was pretty sure that she was cursing in-between throwing up._

_He'd rubbed her back until his stomach churned and she looked over to him, raising an eyebrow. It wasn't long before he was joining her against the cold tile of his floor._

"_I'm sorry." She whispered when he closed his eyes in pain next to her on the floor._

"_It's not your fault."_

"_Yes it is. I chose to go there and you were unsure and gave in because I wanted it. That's what you do all the time. You give me what I want and don't know why." Her voice was quiet from being sick and wishing she didn't have to say this to him._

"_I just didn't know what I felt like. It wasn't because I was giving into you."_

"_But you do." She spoke as she lifted her head onto her arm._

"_When have I given into you?" He asked, wondering where this was coming from. _

"_Every time I want to do something you say yes without hesitation, every time I say I'm going to go home instead of staying here with you nod and let me go because you're worried that if you argue and make me stay then I'll run, every time I want to stay later than usual at the precinct you obey and sit patiently for me."_

"_That's what you're going to argue about? Kate, come on." He smiled at her, reaching for her hand. _

"_It's the truth". She squeezed his hand._

"_It might be the truth, you make a good point when you add them all together like that. Every time you suggest we go do something I say yes because I'm excited you want to do it with me, every time you go home instead of staying I want to fight against you and make you stay but I don't because I hope that you'll stay the next night and when you want to do ALL the paperwork in the world and I wait for you because you get to come home with me or I get to stay at yours."_

"_I hate how you always say the right thing. It really pisses me off."_

_He laughed when buried her face in her arm._

-x-

She hated herself for smiling at the memory. Hated herself for wanting to call him back and yell at him for knowing how to push her buttons.

But she couldn't because she'd give into him and then all of this would have been for nothing.

She had to be stronger than that.

She had to keep him safe.

-x-

"I saw Esposito and Ryan last night, they told me that you're doing really well and Gates is still being a hardass. I miss you."

Beckett closed her eyes, leaning against the wall just outside the precinct.

She knew they'd still see each other and hang out. Esposito had casually mentioned they were going around to the loft to play Halo and told her she should come. She rolled her eyes and gave him the look that said he better get back to work or she'd shoot him. Ryan had cornered her in the break room asking her if it was ok that they went to Castle's loft. It was nice to know that he was concerned about how she felt about it but they had known him just as long as she had but it killed her to know that she didn't get to see him.

These phone calls were making it harder but she couldn't delete them or block his number.

She needed to know he was alive.

-x-

"I think you should change your voice message, it sounds like you're speaking another language now I've heard it so much. Or maybe, you could just pick up." He laughed as clicked the end button on his phone but she'd hear the sadness and regret in his voice the moment she dialled her voicemail.

That's if she was listening to them at all, that he didn't know.

-x-

Something caught his eye when he picked his cufflink from the floor.

Under his bed was a glass rock that was a dusky pink colour. He rolled it between his fingers and thought back to the night it found it's way under there.

"_What's this?" He asked, finding it in her coat pocket when he was looking for her lip balm._

"_A rock." She answered, pulling her shirt off and reaching for his old shirt she had come accustomed to wearing when she stayed over._

_Which was fast becoming an every night kind of thing._

"_I can see that. Why is it in your pocket?" He asked, examining the rock more carefully._

"_Because I want it in my pocket."_

"_Beckett." He whined, looking up at her._

"_You're going to think it's stupid." She rolled her eyes at him._

"_Tell me."_

"_Fine. You're like a child when you whine like that. I got it from the Hamptons."_

"_When you went with me?" He asked, completely fazed her answer._

"_No, when I went with my other boyfriend." She laughed at him, sitting down on the bed next to him._

"_Don't mock me." He acted wounded and pouted towards her._

"_Seriously." She raised an eyebrow and laughed again._

"_So why did you take the rock?" He asked, letting it drop into her hand._

"_When I was sitting down on the beach the morning Lanie and Espo left, I found it, I didn't know what it was, felt like glass but the ocean had smoothed all the roughness from it. I was just thinking of how amazing the weekend was, spending it with our friends and not having to worry about anything, being able to laugh and not be scared."_

_Rick had organised a weekend getaway a month after she returned to the precinct, after she had been shot, after everything had changed._

_Kate had refused to come to begin with but Ryan and Esposito, along with Jenny and Lanie had all jumped at the chance._

_Rick had begged her, literally got on the floor of the precinct to go with him. He was wailing about being the fifth wheel and she said yes just to shut him up._

"_Ok?" He asked, waiting for the rest of the story, knowing this was hard for her._

"_We weren't together but it felt like we were. You kept touching me all the time and I let you because I wanted it, I couldn't say no. I thought the boys or Lanie would have said something but they just ignored it like it was already normal for them to see and then I realised that we've basically been together for years and I was too stubborn to admit it."_

_He was smiling like a kid in a candy store._

"_When Ryan and Jenny left early to make her cousins wedding and Espo and Lanie left in the morning I wondered what it was going to be like, just the two of us, no distractions and no one tiptoeing around. I knew you wouldn't push for anything, that it was a feat just to get me out there but then you came down to the beach and you had that smile on your face like you saw Santa and I knew I had to jump in, just go for it."_

_He was thinking back to when he saw her on the beach; hair waving in the wind, eyes set on something in her hand._

"_You sat down next to me and I leaned in, rested my head on your shoulder and the rest, well you know." She smiled at him, biting her bottom lip._

"_But you kept it?" He asked, looking back to the rock._

"_Yeah, I put it in my pocket sometime between you ravishing me on the beach and managing to get back into the house before the police were called for lewd behaviour on the beach."_

_He smiled at the memory, the feeling of kissing her and not having to stop. The feel of her body under his as she laughed when he got sand in his eye. The feeling of carrying her over the threshold of his house and knowing she was his._

"_And you keep it in your coat pocket because?"_

"_Whenever I'm having a bad day or I'm totally exhausted, I can feel it. Smooth now but it used to be rough. Kind of like me before you came along and I remember why I do what I do, why I barely sleep and eat crappy food. Why I feel lifted when you walk into the precinct and hand me coffee and give me a good morning kiss. I realised I have to live my life instead of trying to save someone who is already gone."_

_She was close to tears and so was he. Getting Kate Beckett to open up wasn't the easiest of things. She was getting better, giving him a chapter at a time but that night she gave him the entire book and he loved her for it. _

He marvelled at this tiny rock in his hand and how it started it all.

He wanted to throw it out the window and forget it and put it in a glass case and keep it forever all at the same time.

Instead, he tucked it in a small white box, scribbled a note and called a deliveryman.

After all, it wasn't his to keep.

-x-

Kate sat at her desk going over records when Ryan cleared his throat.

"Kate Beckett?" The man asked and she nodded, signing a form and taking the item from him.

"What you got there?" Esposito asked, eyeing up the small package on his boss' desk.

"Get back to work." She said, ignoring him completely.

She knew who it was from, the hand writing was obvious but she refused to open it in the precinct.

It wasn't until she was home; tucked up in bed that she opened the box.

Inside, wrapped in tissue was a small pink rock. It fell into her hand and she sighed. It had been months since she saw it, even thought about it.

A note was tucked in the lid.

**Found this and thought of you. Didn't seem right that I keep it. **

**Missing you so much that my chest hurts.**

**I love you.**

She pushed the rock and the note away, pulling the covers over her eyes and cried. Every time she felt like she was moving on, being able to laugh and not feel bad, something would creep up on her.

Something that reminded her of him and it hurt.

It hurt more than she remembered. Each time was a different feeling of pain. Sometimes her stomach would tighten and cramp, sometimes her head would burn until she had shut of every light and hid under the covers and sometimes she'd feel nauseous and dizzy.

This time was the worst of them all. When everything in her chest ached.

-x-

Beckett sighed looking at the clock on her computer. It had been a long and drawn out day at the precinct and she needed to leave. He hadn't called and left her a message today. It wasn't unusual though, his calls ranged in time, always catching her off guard when she needed it most.

"Yo boss, you can head off now I'm sure Ryan and I can hold the fort down." Esposito smiled, holding his hand over the receiver of his phone.

Beckett nodded, gathering her things. She'd always wait till last to put her coat on because it would make her smile watching Castle fret about whether he would be allowed to help her into it. This started going on way before they got together, probably a year into their unorthodox partnership when Montgomery was still alive and they didn't have any of the problems they faced today.

Problems they faced separately.

"_I'm so tired, can we go now?" Castle asked, his head rested on his hand._

"_I didn't say you had to stay, Castle." She sighed, closing the file._

"_Are we going?" He asked, suddenly excited._

"_I'm leaving to go home, I don't know what you're doing with your night." She was so good at teasing him and she couldn't help it._

"_We could get dinner?" He asked casually, pulling his own scarf on._

_She was tired and her coat was heavy as she pulled it from her chair. Her scarf fell and she rolled her eyes._

"_Let me." He leant down picking her scarf up and taking the jacket from her in a quick second._

_She didn't have time to protest as he held it out for her. She slipped both hands into the coat and he slipped it up over her arms and shoulders before turning her. He wrapped the scarf around her neck tucking the ends in before doing up her coat buttons._

_The whole ordeal had made Beckett speechless. His hands running over skin, touching her neck slightly as he moved the scarf wasn't what she was expecting._

"_So?" He asked, tugging her forward by one of the buttons from her coat._

"_What?" She asked, impressed with herself for being able to speak._

"_Dinner?" He had a look in his eyes. A glint. He knew she was going to say no, defuse the situation and run but he didn't mind._

_He got to help her into her coat and made her blush in the process._

"_Raincheck?" She asked, seeing Montgomery, Ryan and Esposito all gaping at them from the Captains office._

"_For my favorite Detective?" He asked, leaning in closer to her so his voice was flush against her neck, "Anything."_

_And then he was gone, walking from her desk to the elevator, knowing that if he walked down with her then it would downplay what had just happened and he didn't want that. He wanted her to go home and think about what had just happened._

_He was just as good as teasing her as she was with teasing him. _

She pulled on her coat, pushing the memory to the back of her mind.

Today she forced herself to not think about him. Today wasn't about her.

It was her mother's birthday.

The walk to the cemetery was treacherous in the snow. She'd forgotten to get flowers the day before like she usually would because they'd had a long and brutal case. She could buy some flowers from the markets but they wouldn't be the ones her mother liked and Beckett felt it was easier just to explain to her mother why she didn't get the ones she always did.

Her Dad would have come into the city in the morning and spent his time with her; it was the way it had fallen into place. He got the morning and she got the afternoon. The first few years they arranged to go together but it was too hard now with her work.

When she finally reached her mothers grave she smiled. There laid two bouquets of flowers; the familiar pink roses from her father that gave her a sense of familiarity and another larger bouquet of white orchids.

The flowers that she had always bought to her mother on her birthday. The ones that she didn't have time to stop for yesterday or this morning.

There were two cards tucked into the flowers, hidden from the snow. One was in an envelope that had her name on it and one was just an open card addressed to her mother.

**To Johanna,**

**Wishing you could be here to spend the day with Jim and your incredible daughter Kate.**

**Thinking of you all today.**

**Rick**

She ran her hand over the card. He'd written it, not some florist in a shop in the Upper East Side. He'd gone and chosen them especially and brought them to her mother. His handwriting made her stomach leap knowing that he'd been so close.

Beckett opened her card, closing her eyes before reading it.

**Kate,**

**No phone call from me today. I know that it's hard enough without having to deal with me. I'm sorry she isn't here; I can't stop thinking about you being alone today. I wish it were different, I wish I could stand with you and hold your hand today.**

**I love you.**

**Rick**

Kate's eyes welled as she closed the card and shoved it inside her pocket. She was angry as hell with him, how dare he come down here and involve himself.

She said goodbye to her mother, promising that she'd come back in the next few weeks.

She was halfway to his loft when she realised she wasn't angry with him. She was angry at herself because if she were to give in, tell him that he was right then she wouldn't have to do this alone. He could stand next to her and make a joke on the way home just to make her laugh. She could crawl up to him on the sofa and he would make up stories to her until she fell asleep. Alexis would get home from school and join them. They'd talk about her current boy situation and Rick would roll his eyes, excusing himself and go to get dinner ready. Alexis would cuddle into Kate and it would almost make her cry. Rick would lean against the doorway, telling him that dinner was ready. On the way past, he'd kiss her and she'd melt.

It wasn't what she thought would happen if she would let him into this. She knew it would happen because it had happened before.

That's what happened the day it was the anniversary of her mother's death.

"_Hi." Castle said standing outside the precinct._

_He'd left in the early afternoon to go to a meeting with his publishers. She'd been quiet all day and he wasn't pushing. _

"_What are you doing here?" She asked, leaning into him and closing her eyes._

"_Thought you'd want to come to mine for dinner." He asked, knowing that she wasn't going home just yet._

"_I have to go to the cemetery." She said, knowing that he knew. _

_Of course he knew. He knew her better than she knew herself. _

"_I know. Did you want me to come or I can wait and then he could walk back to mine or yours?"_

"_Come with me." He kissed the top of her head, hugging her tightly before taking her hand and leading her the way to the cemetery._

-x-

"_Tell me a story." She asked, cuddled up next to him on the sofa at the loft._

"_What kind of story?" He asked, running his fingers through her hair. _

"_A Castle flavoured one." She smiled, playing with the button on his shirt._

_She was so tired, her eyes hurt from crying at the cemetery and her body ached from being awake too long._

"_There was once a beautiful princess who lived in a big city and held the weight of the world on her shoulders. She fought hard to keep the city safe but day after day she grew tired. One day there was an evil man that stole her away and hid her in the tallest building in the city. He turned the city into a horrible place to live and all the people were afraid to live there."_

"_This feels like it's going to turn into Batman…" She giggled into his chest._

"_Don't interrupt." He laughed, kissing her forehead._

"_Sorry, please do continue, Bruce Wayne."_

"_Then came along a very handsome and noble writer from the city over that had heard about the beautiful princess and he wanted to save her. He snuck into the skyscraper and dodged all of the traps in hopes that he would stumble upon the princess. There in the tallest part of the tower lay the sleeping princess. He knew that the only thing that could bring her out of the spell the evil man had stowed upon her was a kiss from her one true love."_

"_Seriously? Walt Disney now?" Kate laughed, rolling her eyes at him._

"_I'm tired, you can't blame me. I'm using all the best bits though."_

"_What happens in the end?" She asked._

"_You want me to miss out the middle don't you? You just want to hear the end. I bet you were one of those kids that jumped to the last page of the book weren't you?"_

_She nodded and laughed, remembering the memories._

"_He kisses the princess and she wakes, then they save the city and get married, have a few kids and live in a beautiful apartment on the Upper East." _

"_So he saves her?" She asks, biting her bottom lip._

"_No she saves him. Because before him he didn't really have a purpose and when he was with the princess then he had something to proud of. He wanted the best for her so he had to become the best. He wanted to give her everything he possibly could so he tried his hardest."_

"_Castle-" She started, their eyes meeting._

"_I love you." He said smiling._

_She found herself smiling as well._

_He'd said certain things, worded things to catch her off guard and implied that he loved her. He'd said it at the cemetery that day but she had never told him that she knew._

_She sat there watching him, rolling her teeth over her bottom lip._

"_I love you too."_

She stopped in the middle of the street, shaking her head and turned around. His loft was only two blocks away but she realised she couldn't show up.

It wouldn't be fair on either of them. He'd think she was coming back to him and she didn't know why she was going there anymore.

She needed to get over him.

-x-

He sat in the park wasting the morning away before he was going to spend the afternoon with Alexis picking out a dress for a school dance.

Well he was going to hand her the credit card rather than help her pick out the dress.

He saw her hair in the distance, lit up in sunlight. She was talking to someone, laughing as she turned to her father.

That's when he saw who Alexis was talking to.

Kate Beckett stood with her hand shoved in her pockets, laughing at whatever Alexis was saying.

Her hair was out, curlier than usual.

Castle kept his distance, not taking a step closer. She looked to him and back to Alexis before she quickly hugged the girl and walked the other way.

"Hey." Alexis smiled when she reached her dad, looking over her shoulder and then back to Castle.

"Hi." Castle said, watching Kate disappear into the crowd.

"Sorry, I didn't know you were already there when I bumped into Kate."

Castle smiled the best he could muster up before hugging his daughter.

"Not your fault kid, you can still see Kate. You know that."

Alexis pulled his hand making him walk in the complete opposite direction of Kate.

-x-

Alexis had tried on several dresses and Castle had grown bored. The shop assistant had flirted with him as soon as he walked in the shop. Clung on his arm and offered him champagne.

He'd politely declined.

He wished Kate were here so she could get all jealous and eye the woman up. He loved it when she did that.

"What do you reckon?" Alexis asked, walking out in a gorgeous black dress. It was above the knee, tight and heightened all her womanly features.

Castle grimaced.

"Looks lovely, Sweetie." He smiled, knowing she'd see right through his fatherly worry.

"Come on, tell me what you really think." Alexis had a hand on her hip, giving him that look that she'd perfected from Kate.

"You look beautiful." He said, thinking back to the night when Kate gave him that exact look.

"_You stood me up so you could creepily wait for your daughter to get home from a date. Castle, you've unbelievable." She marched through the door, spinning on her heels with her hands on her hips._

"_Kate, I can explain."_

"_Really? Because here was I thinking that I was going to a nice dinner with my boyfriend and yet I get a twenty second voice message telling me that you can't make it with no explanation."_

"_How did you find out?"_

"_Alexis called me at home saying you'd completely lost it about this new boy she was going out with and was hovering around her for the past two days."_

"_She called you?" He asked, eyes wide and smiling._

"_Seriously?"_

"_I'm just excited that she called you."_

"_Castle!"_

"_I'm sorry but she was going on about how he was in a band and wore aviators." He stopped smiling, shuffling his feet and pouting._

"_I background checked him, he's fine." She said, letting her arms fall._

"_You did what?" He gasped, taking a step closer to her._

"_Well you went on and on about him and then I saw Alexis deciding what she was going to wear and I just had to check up on him."_

"_So you used police property to check out my daughters possible boyfriend?"_

"_Yes. Don't you dare tell anyone." She pointed at him, giving him that look that could kill him in a second._

_He was closing the distance between then within a second, lips locked with her and hands securely tugging her hips closer to his._

"_Thank you." He whispered between kissing her neck, pushing her towards his room._

"_I thought we were going out to dinner?" Kate laughed as Castle unzipped her dress._

"_There is always tomorrow night." Castle smiled as Kate's dress hit in the floor._

-x-

"I could always stay in dad?" Alexis asked, standing in the doorway all ready to go.

"No sweetie, I want you to go have a good time."

"Dad-"

"Not too much fun though, remember your old dad is at home worrying about you." He smiled, getting up from his desk and walking to Alexis.

"I just feel bad, I made you come out shopping with me and then I bumped into Kate and for a moment I forgot what was going on between the two of you."

"It's not your fault, it had to happen eventually. I don't want you to think that you can't see her, Alexis. She can still be a part of your life." Castle smiled, rubbing Alexis' arm.

"I wish she was still apart of our life." Alexis huffed, pulling the hair from her face.

"I know," Castle half smiled, "Go have fun, Alexis." He kissed her cheek, pushing her from his office.

He sat staring at his laptop for an hour before he picked up his phone.

Her phone rung for longer than usual, he guessed she was at home by now and watching his face flash on his screen.

"I wish you had picked up this time. Kate, seeing you today actually killed me and then Alexis walked into the office tonight going off to a school dance and apologised for talking to you and it made my heart stop. I just wanted you to ask that even though you hate me and don't want to talk to me, please don't give up on Alexis. You're a part of her life and I don't want that to end."

He paused, running his hand through his hair.

"I love you, Kate."

* * *

><p><em>Author Note: Hi, just a random story that I came up with over the past two weeks. Haven't really been feeling like continuing with my others just yet so here we are.<em>

_Hope you like it and don't forget to tell me what you think._

_Thank you._

_Hannah _


	2. Chapter 2

Her mouth fell open in shock.

Hate him?

How could he think that she hated him? It was the complete opposite of hate. She needed to protect him and keep him safe.

She knew the day was going to drag on; it always did when he left a message that made her feel sad or uneasy.

She flicked through the case file on her desk and waited for Ryan and Esposito to come back from picking up a suspect.

-x-

When Beckett walked out of the interrogation room she knew something was different.

She handed the uniform the written confession from their suspect and smiled at the boys.

Ryan smiled but Esposito stood there, arms folded and a frown upon his face.

"What?" She asked walking to her desk to retrieve the paperwork she had to finish on the case before she could take the murder board down.

Neither of them answered but she didn't need an answer.

He had been here.

Beckett could smell his cologne mixed with a fresh cup of coffee that sat on her desk. It was her favourite coffee, the stuff he always used to get on the way to a crime scene or when she'd wake up cranky and there would be a steaming cup waiting for her when she got out of the shower.

She looked up to the boys.

Ryan shrugged his shoulders and Esposito sighed.

"He came to drop off Ryan's game. He messaged me before to make sure you weren't here or you were busy so you didn't have to see him." Esposito said, tilting his head slightly to the side.

"Oh." Beckett said, looking to Ryan.

"You should talk to him." Ryan said flatly.

"I know that you're-" Beckett started but Ryan cut her off.

"Just give him a chance and remember what it was like. It doesn't have to be like this."

Before Beckett could respond Gates had called Ryan and Esposito into her office.

It felt like she had the wind kicked out of her. She knew the boys missed having Castle around and it was her fault that he was gone.

They were missing their friend. Their partner.

But then, so was she.

-x-

The coffee cup sat on her desk for an hour before she finally picked it up. The boys had gone home after the meeting with Gates and Beckett had refused to leave until she had signed and sealed the case.

A small part of her didn't want to leave because the full cup of coffee on her desk was a daunting reminder that she was going home to an empty apartment tonight.

She couldn't drink it. The smell was enough of a reminder of what she had lost. Tasting it would have been too much. But then the other half of her hated that she wasted it, wasted the thing that they shared everyday of their relationship.

She finally picked it up from where he had put it on her desk and underneath was a small envelope.

Beckett untucked the corner and opened it. Inside was a picture taken a few months back of the gang one night they went bowling.

It was a silly photo booth one that Beckett had refused to do in the first place but Castle had begged. The small booth held Castle, Ryan, Esposito, Lanie, Jenny and herself. They were all smiling in this one. They took so many before Castle finally decided that they managed to get a keeper.

Everyone was mocking Ryan for his inability to keep his eyes open in photos when Castle asked Beckett if they could do one just the two of them.

Lanie and Esposito had already done one and Ryan had refused after Jenny had mocked him so it was their turn.

She nodded.

The pictures came out so cliché and she hated them.

The one where he kisses her cheek and she is smiling, The one where they are kissing, The one where their foreheads are rested against each other and both of their eyes are closed, The one where they are laughing at something he had joked about, The one where she's rolling her eyes and he is laughing because he made an inappropriate statement about how he wanted to get her naked in the booth.

They had ended up on the fridge at the loft. Every morning when she'd see them she hated them a little less than the day before.

It was the first time they had all gone out together with Castle and Beckett's relationship out in the open.

-x-

"_Don't be a sore loser." Ryan laughed, smacking Esposito's shoulder._

"_We got beaten by girls, bro." Esposito said, fully pouting._

_Jenny, Beckett and Lanie all turned to face the boys, all smiling._

"_I know." Ryan sighed. _

"_You could have warned us that Jenny was a pro-bowler." Castle joined in._

"_I didn't know! Your two weren't much better."_

_They had decided it was boys against girls to even out the teams. What the boys hadn't realised is that Beckett, Lanie and Jenny were amazing bowlers._

_Strikes every time kind of thing._

"_They wont get over this, will they?" Jenny asked, turning her head to look at Beckett and Lanie._

"_No. At least you don't have to work with them." Beckett sighed._

_When the girls turned around the boys had stopped walking and stood outside a diner. _

"_Oh good, I'm starving." Lanie smiled, walking to the boys and grabbing Esposito's hand._

_Jenny followed, taking Ryan's extended hand and walked in after Lanie._

"_You coming?" Castle asked, watching Beckett._

"_Uh." Beckett shuffled on her feet._

"_What's wrong?" Castle asked, taking a step closer to Beckett._

_She sighed, looking through the window at the diner. They were all reading over menus and laughing (probably at Ryan.) _

"_The whole night is just- " Beckett started but Castle cut her off._

"_Cliché?"_

"_Yeah. Castle, I'm not that girl. I don't do triple dating to play ten pin bowling, take silly photos and then go to a diner. That's not me." Beckett looked away from Castle._

"_Why not? Because you're a cop and you're supposed to be tough all of the time? Because I'm pretty sure two out of the three most badass detectives I know are sitting inside that diner right now deciding what to eat."_

"_Castle." She huffed._

"_Or is it because you think you're not allowed to be happy until you solve your mother's case?"_

_She looked up at him, mouth open. _

"_Rick, that's not fair." She shook her head._

"_I see you hold back all the time, Kate. When we were cuddled up the other night and you were plaiting Alexis' hair and you were smiling like I've never seen you before and then when she went to bed, you closed up and went home."_

"_Do we have to do this here?" Beckett asked, knowing that this would come out eventually. He knew her better than she knew herself so it was only a matter of time before he had these doubts._

"_Yes. This isn't an argument and I won't let it turn into one. I just want you to be happy and not hold back anymore. I'm not asking you to change yourself, I'm asking you to try and see if you like these things. Kate, what happened to your mum is heartbreaking and I know you'll always carry it around with you but you need to live your life as well." Rick was careful with his wording, he could have said a lot more but he didn't. _

"_I know." Beckett said quietly, looking up to him with her bottom lip rolled between her teeth._

"_So will you come inside with me and have something to eat with your friends?" He asked, holding his hand out._

_She nodded, taking his hand._

-x-

She put the photo inside her wallet, hidden away so she couldn't see it every time she opened it, but close enough if she needed to see it.

"Detective Beckett." Gates smiled, walking to her desk.

"Good evening, Sir." Beckett smiled, closing the file on her desk and putting it the box that sat on the floor.

"We had a visitor at the precinct today." Iron Gates said, choosing her words cautiously.

"I heard."

"I hate to admit it but I have missed Mr. Castle around here. His arm is looking better, but I'm sure you know that." She was snooping.

"I don't actually."

"So it's true then, you've broken up?" Gates leant against her desk, letting her folded arms fall and keep her balanced.

"Yes." Becket answered, wanting to run from this conversation.

"That's a shame. To begin with, I couldn't stand the pair of you making googly eyes at each other across the precinct; certain looks you gave each other were like watching a basket full of puppies yawning. Then I found out you weren't even together and it shocked me."

"Captain-"

"Detective Beckett, I've read your file. I've read Montgomery's notes on you. On both you and Castle. He said you worked well, annoyingly well actually and even though I was pressured into it, I wanted to see how it worked. A detective and a civilian working together was absurd, but you did it."

"What are you trying to say?" Beckett asked, standing to meet the Captain's eyes.

"Life deals out some things that can break a person, but then it also deals out something that can save a person. Don't rule him out just yet, Kate."

Gate's left, walking back into her office before Beckett could respond.

She grabbed the box on her desk and made her way to the elevator to drop it off to records before going home.

He wouldn't even believe her if she told him that Gates stood up for him, she barely believed it herself and she was standing next to her.

-x-

The rest of the week went quickly, the case they caught was an open and close.

It was late Saturday night when Beckett realised that he hadn't called her today. There was no message, no photo or something that meant something to her, to them.

She wanted to open the door to check when her phone lit up.

Finally.

It wasn't a call, just a message, but she would take it.

'**Roses are red, violets are blue, I wish you'd pick up your phone so I could talk to you.'**

She laughed out loud. For a best selling author, he was quoting a poem that Hallmark had used?

He must be desperate.

But then she remembered that he'd used that poem before.

"_Just open it." He begged. _

"_Castle, no. I'm working." She pushed the red box away from the file and continued to read._

_He sat patiently waiting for her to finish her report, not saying another word._

_It had been a week since she vetoed his Valentines Day plans. She had flat out refused to do anything regarding the holiday._

_It wasn't even a holiday._

_He had begged, pleaded, whined about it everyday since._

_She knew he would do something on the day. He couldn't not considering it was their first Valentines Day as a couple. Every time the elevator dinged she was so worried a guy would walk in carrying one hundred balloons or a bouquet of flowers that he could barely carry._

_But nothing._

_It was nearing the end of the day when he placed the red box on her desk._

_They had spent the night before apart. He had late meetings with Black Pawn and she was running down a suspect._

"_Done." She sighed, closing the file and pushing her pen away._

"_Open." He said pushing the box to her. _

"_Do I have to do this here?" She asked, looking around the bare precinct._

"_Yes."_

"_Fine." She huffed, pulling the bow._

_There was a red card inside addressed to her in the lid of the box, inside written in his perfect handwriting._

'_**Roses are red, violets are blue. A present for my muse that will get me in trouble too.'**_

"_Castle." She eyed him, not finding his poem funny._

"_Just open it." He smiled, knowing she was about to have a fit over it._

_She took a deep breath, pulling the wrapped present from the box. She undid the tape slowly, trying to figure out what it was before Castle could see her reaction._

"_What is it?" She asked, holding the blue velvet box in her hand._

"_Well, that's a box. You have to open it."_

_She didn't want to open it. She knew exactly what it was. It was too big to be earrings and too small to be a bracelet. _

"_Castle, I can't." She handed him the unopened box._

"_Why?"_

"_Because."_

_He sighed, "Close your eyes."_

_She shook her head._

"_Kate, close them." His voice was rougher, in charge and she did what he asked because there a small part of her that wanted whatever was in that box._

_She heard the box open and then he took her right hand. Slowly putting a ring on her right ring finger._

"_Open." He said quietly._

_She hesitated before opening her eyes and looking down to the ring._

_It was plain, understated and simple. It was her._

_The band was thin, white gold, three small diamonds in the centre, tucked in the band so they weren't raised._

"_Castle, It's beautiful." She looked up to him smiling._

"_Alexis helped me pick it." Now he was smiling._

"_It's only Valentines Day though." She sighed; looking back to the ring she knew would have cost a fortune._

"_I know, but we missed Christmas because we weren't together so I wanted to make it up to you."_

"_I love it." She looked back to him, squeezing his hand._

"_I'm glad."_

"_Why did you make me open it in the precinct?" She asked putting the ring box back in the red box._

"_Because you couldn't make a scene or shoot me in here."_

_She laughed and quickly leant in for a kiss. She had become better with the public displays of affection. A kiss every so often, a hug in the foyer or she'd run her fingers up his back as he made her coffee._

-x-

She looked down at her hand. The ring he'd given her all those months ago was still on her finger.

She hadn't taken it off once since he put it on her finger. It had become a part of her now, just like her father's watch or her mother's ring.

But now it was screaming at her, her finger felt tight and it was all she could look at.

The box lay forgotten in her wardrobe and she pulled it down. Taking the ring box out and going back to her bed. The ring wouldn't budge as she tried to get it off, it was stuck and she began to panic.

It had to come off. Beckett couldn't stand to see it anymore.

The ring shot off across her bed and hit the floor. She lunged after it, velvet box in hand. It had skidded under her bed and she reached for it.

The whole ordeal felt so stupid, she felt stupid. Castle was stupid for putting her in his situation.

She hated him for this, for making her remember everything they shared.

She loved him for not forgetting.

The box squeaked as she closed the lid. Hiding the ring away from her. She held the box as she cried, wishing this would get easier.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I wish.

Chapter Three.

* * *

><p>"Where is your ring?" Lanie asked, looking over the dead body on her slab to Kate's hand.<p>

She heard Ryan clear his throat before him and Esposito bailed with hushed voices about getting financials on their victim.

"Lanie." Beckett sighed, hoping it was going to go unnoticed.

"What?"

"Can we not do this please?"

"Why not? If I don't ask you then no one else will. You're not talking to him and wont return his calls-"

"How did you know he was calling me?" Beckett interrupted.

"I saw him when he came to the precinct. I was walking in as he was walking out."

Beckett looked to the ground.

"I know that him getting shot was a major thing, I know why you're doing what you are doing but take a good hard look at yourself, Kate. You aren't happy and neither is he." Lanie pulled off her gloves and took a step closer to Beckett.

"I can't protect him anymore and he isn't a cop, Lanie. He needs to be safe and he isn't when I'm around."

Lanie watched her for a moment and then nodded.

"I get that and I know you want to keep him safe but look at the world we live in now, so unless you want to wrap the guy in bubble wrap and hide him in your hallway closest, you need to let him live." Lanie raised an eyebrow at Beckett and smiled.

Beckett fell silent and wished her telling off would be over already.

"So, where is your ring?" Lanie asked again.

"I took it off."

"Why?"

"Because I can't wear it anymore." Beckett finally looked up.

"Why not?" Lanie shot back.

"Because we broke up."

"No you didn't, you slammed the door in his face and you're refusing to speak to him. That's not breaking up, that is hiding from what you're really feeling."

Damn Lanie.

-x-

When Beckett finally fell through her door that night, she was exhausted.

Exhausted from the case and from what Lanie had said to her. That woman always told her straight and never sugar coated anything.

She didn't know whether to hate it or love it about her.

When her phone rung she knew it would be him before his picture even flashed onto her screen. Her finger hovered over answer for a second before the phone stopped ringing and it flashed she had one new voice message.

She wanted to talk to him, needed to hear his voice and after what Lanie had told her that afternoon she had almost believed that they could come back from this.

"I'm sitting in my office, trying to get these last few chapters finished and you are all I can think about and it's annoying me, it's frustrating and I wish for a second I could get you out of my head so I can finish this book and stop having Black Pawn hound me. Every time I write a scene I wonder if it could be you and I instead of Nikki and Rook. I want to give them a happy ending because right now I feel like we're never going to get one. I wished for a second today that we never got together, that we never had what we had because then I wouldn't know what I was missing. In saying that, then I would have never realised what we did have. I can't go back to how it used to be before you because you've changed me and I'll never be the same, I'll never have that life again."

Her phone went silent and she closed her eyes and tried to breathe.

Was this it? Was he finally pulling away?

-x-

She fell asleep sometime after midnight. She couldn't remember the moment she fell asleep, it was more like finally being pulled under by a massive wave and she had no choice but to give in an drown.

Yeah, it was of those mornings when everything was depressing and felt like a horrific black hole was sucking her in.

The case had turned inside out and back the front before lunch and they were all running on leads. She headed to the public library to talk to a security guard there about seeing a suspect but he wasn't on shift just yet, she had a good half hour to spare.

It seemed bittersweet that she ended up there after the phone call from him last night.

"_Found your hiding spot." She whispered, sitting down next to him._

"_Should have guessed with you being a cop and all." His voice was sullen as he refused to look at her._

_They had just had the major of all fights. The biggest yet._

_It was about everything and anything they could yell about. _

_She didn't understand how big of a deal it was for Alexis to pick the right college, he was holding onto all the wrong things, she wasn't home enough, he was crowding her. _

"_We need to talk about this, Rick." She said quietly as an older lady browsed the shelf next to them._

"_So you finally want to talk about something. Excuse me if I'm shocked."_

_Knife to the chest, he was ready for round two._

_She pulled the closest book from the shelf and flipped it open, flicking through the pages until she stopped and began to read._

_It took him a good ten minutes before he gave in and asked what she was doing._

"_I'm at the library, it's what you're supposed to do when you're here. Well, unless you're Richard Castle and you come here to sulk."_

_His mouth opened in shock before she slammed the book closed and looked up to him._

"_What you said before hurt me, you have no right to pin that on me. I came looking for you after you slammed your own front door in my face. You were the one who walked out today, left us hanging there and then say that to me." She shook her head and took a deep breath in._

"_You were right when you said that I didn't know what it was like to have a child pick a college across the country but I know Alexis and I know that whatever her decision, she'll make the right one and you'll support her. As for not being around enough, I'm trying and you know that. It's not just you and I in this, it's Alexis and your mother too and it's sometimes daunting to come through your front door alone because I never quite know what to expect. Sometimes I need a little breathing room from everything. It isn't personal, it's just how I deal with things."_

_She flicked the book back open to the same page she was reading earlier._

"_Kate." He said quietly._

"_If you're going to be mean or gear up for round two, please don't."_

"_I wasn't going to." He reached for the book, taking it and replacing it with his hands._

_They sat for another moment before he finally spoke._

"_I'm so sorry. I cannot express how sorry I am right now, I acted like a complete jackass and I honestly hate myself for what I said to you. These past few weeks have just been insane and that case really knocked me down."_

_It had been a teenager, the similarities to Alexis had made Beckett's heart hurt and in the end she sent Castle home._

_He tried to stay but a long hug in the precinct hallway and her pleading with him was all it took for him to stand down._

"_I just realised that with Alexis picking colleges, mother always being at her acting school and you spending nights at your apartment, I was alone. I know how stupid it sounds but nights spent with you and Alexis watching a movie all cuddled up, then mother coming in and saying something rude and we all shudder, those are my favourite nights. Alexis is going off to college and I guess I'm just not ready to face that and it was idiotic to think that I could and I took it out on you."_

_She nodded, watching him as he spoke. _

"_I'm so sorry, Kate." He looked to her, eyes reddened and her heart clenched. _

_She pulled the lapels of his jacket to her and kissed him furiously. It took him a second a respond before pouring every emotion he was feeling into the kiss. The quiet moan from the back of her throat was all it took for him to pull her into his lap. _

_Someone cleared their throat and the couple broke apart to find a librarian looking at them with one raised eyebrow and a devilish smile. _

"_I've never been so embarrassed in my entire life." Beckett declared as they left the library._

"_I've never been so turned on in my entire life." _

"_Seriously? Making out in front of your books is what does it for you?" Beckett joked as they walked through the foyer._

"_No, making out with the most beautiful woman in the world in front of my books, three of which I wrote about her, does it for me."_

_He yanked at her hand until she spun around and he kissed her again. _

_Kissed her hard and with her body pressed against the concrete pillar on the steps outside._

"_Take me home." She whispered in his ear as kissed her neck._

"_Thought you'd never ask." He laughed quietly before tugging her down the steps._

"Detective Beckett, they said you wanted to see me?" The security guard stood in the foyer as Beckett pulled herself away from her memory.

-x-

The case had been closed in the early hours of the morning and Beckett finally made her way home.

She missed going to the loft after a hard night and Castle being there to help her out. She hated admitting it and he'd never say it out loud but she liked it when he looked after her.

When she would come back from the precinct already half asleep and plead with him to let her sleep in her clothes. He'd shake his head and undress her for bed. It wasn't a pity thing and the first few times it had shocked her that she'd let him do it. There would always be something hot for her to eat as well, even thought she'd complain she had just eaten, he'd still make her eat it. She'd crawl into bed and he'd follow only a few minutes later, usually with his laptop and Beckett would be asleep in minutes.

Her apartment was surprisingly warm when walked into the lounge. She was bracing herself for a bitterly cold night as her apartment heat had been messing up and she had never bothered to get it fixed.

Something in her apartment felt different and smelt different.

With her hand on her gun she silently strode across the room into the kitchen. There on the bench was a beautiful bouquet of purple orchids in one of her vases.

**Kate,**

**I know I shouldn't have come but the guy rung me about your heat and said you weren't there to let him in to it get fixed, I'd rung weeks ago and only just remembered. **

**I've left the key you gave me because you're probably mad I let myself in.**

**The flowers are an apology for the voice message last night; I'm so late on my manuscript and it all piled up. **

**There isn't a second that goes by that I don't want you back in my life. I want you to remember that and I don't care what I say or what we do to each other I need you to remember that you and I are forever; I'm never getting over this. **

**The stuff in the fridge and freezer are because I worry about you and this will make me feel better. Plus I've had writers block so getting out of the office helped.**

**I should go, the heat guy is giving me weird looks.**

**I love you. **

**Rick.**

She walked to the fridge and freezer and opened both doors. They were full with frozen meals he'd made and the fridge was fully stocked with all her favourites.

It melted and broke her heart all at the same time.

She walked around the apartment wondering what else he'd touched and moved.

There were full bottles of shampoo, conditioner and moisturizer on her bathroom cabinet. A new electric toothbrush was charging after she always used to steal his when he was shaving. New books were stacked on her bedside and next to them was the blue velvet ring box.

When she'd left in the morning it had been on her bed where she'd fallen asleep with it. She tried not to look at it when she got ready and pushed it to the back of her mind.

Castle had obviously seen it and she knew how much it would have hurt him to know that she wasn't wearing it anymore. She opened the box and noticed the ring had been turned over and put the right way up, she wondered how long he had sat there and looked at it.

She fell back on her bed and sighed.

-x-

"Lanie."

"Hey, hang on a minute." Lanie said, pulling off her gloves and walking to where Beckett stood by the door.

"We have a case that I don't know about?" Lanie asked, puzzled by Beckett's appearance down in the morgue.

She shook her head.

Lanie waited for her to speak, she knew how this worked. Beckett came with a problem, finally said it out loud and then created a solution for herself. All she needed was someone to agree with her.

"He was in my apartment yesterday because the heat guy was coming and he'd forgotten and now I have shampoo and my fridge is stocked full and he saw the ring and I feel horrible."

Lanie was confused but managed to keep up.

"And there were flowers and he wrote this cute note even after everything I've done to him and I miss him and.."

"And you what, Kate?"

"I love him."

"Well, go get him." Lanie smiled watching Beckett think.

"I can't, I'm no good for him."

"You think Javi and I are any good for each other? A cop and a medical examiner? There is nothing sexy about flirting over a dead body and I'll tell you something, there isn't a day goes by that I'm not worried he is out there chasing criminals. Even with all his training and experience, I feel sick sometimes. I told him that once and he said he is worried about me being down here if the dead people wake up and try to kill me or the mafia comes back to retrieve one of their men, I thought he'd spent too much time with Castle but I realised that we get so invested in love that we can't see straight. We want to protect the people we love from getting hurt that sometimes we are the ones hurting them."

Kate half snorted at the Castle remark, that is something he would say.

"What do you think I should do then?" Beckett asked, needing Lanie to say it.

"I think you should go after what you want."

-x-

"Yo, there is a package for you on your desk. Hope you don't mind I signed for it."

"Thanks." Beckett smiled, giving Esposito's shoulder a slight squeeze as she walked past.

It was from him.

She opened it at her desk, pulling out the postcard first. On the front was a picture of the Hamptons and she felt her whole body tense.

He'd mentioned that Black Pawn had been hounding him for the new manuscript and that meant Gina was doing the hounding. Last time this happened he'd left her and got back with Gina.

She slowly flipped the card over.

**Kate,**

**I drove out here yesterday afternoon for a break. I need to write and the city isn't helping me right now.**

**I haven't been out here since we were here for that weekend a few months back. A set of your pajamas were still under your pillow and it nearly killed me.**

**I found this little girl on the leather couch in the study, still can't believe you didn't want to bring her back to the city with us.**

**Thinking of you always.**

**Rick.**

She held up the doll in her hand and smiled.

"What is that?" Ryan asked, face screwed up as he looked at the doll in Beckett's hand.

They'd gone to a carnival and he'd won it for her. It was one of those dolls with the big blue buttons as eyes and a cute sailor dress. At first the thing had freaked her out and then she grew to think she was kind of cute in a weird way.

She hadn't meant to leave her there, they'd slept in and it was a mad panic to pack and get on the road.

"Castle won it for me when we were in the Hamptons." Beckett looked up to see Ryan and Esposito share a look of confusion.

"Do you think you can cover me for a few days?" She asked, hand still tightly gripping the doll.

They both nodded, neither saying a word.

-x-

It was late by the time she finally got on the road. She'd walked up and down her apartment stairs six times before she finally managed to get in the car. The doll sat on the passenger seat and she knew that she'd made the right decision.

The drive to the Hamptons was long and tedious but she needed the time to think about what she was doing.

Gina could be there.

He had said that they were forever on that note he wrote but was that before or after he'd seen that she had taken off the ring.

She stopped the car and got out, leaning against the car with her hands covering her face.

This was absurd; she was going to drive back to the city. But then she saw the doll in the front seat of the car and her heart jumped.

Could she do this?

She didn't give herself a choice. She turned on the radio to drown out the sirens in her head.

When she arrived on his street she slowed right down. She had probably two minutes before she'd be pulling into his gate and the sensor would let him know that a car was coming down his driveway.

She forced through, knowing that she had to do this. When she turned the car off and opened the door she saw the lounge light flick on and the sliding door open. She walked to the front of her car and took a breath in.

"Kate?"

* * *

><p><strong>Ooooooh. <strong>

**Yeah, I left it there. I'm sorry.**

**If you're confused about the doll, it's basically like a lalaoopsy doll. Just google image it and one will pop up.**

**Tell me what you think of the chapter please!**

**Hannah**


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: It would be nice.

Chapter Four.

* * *

><p>The look on his face was pure shock.<p>

"Kate." He said again, stumbling down the few steps to her.

She couldn't speak, couldn't even begin to form a single word as she watched him make his way to her.

He stopped a foot from her, watching her as she failed miserably to say anything.

He was wearing a tight fitting shirt and the redness of his newly forming scar caught her eye.

It wasn't big or raised or even the shape of a bullet. It looked more like he'd scraped it across something or caught it on something sharp.

Her eyes flickered back to his and she took a big breath in.

"I don't- I can't- Castle, what have I done?" She stuttered, her voice quiet.

"Come here." He held out his hand to her but she shook her head.

"I can't." She whispered, refusing to look at him.

"Why?" He inched closer but gave her the space she needed, he just needed to hear her and know that this wasn't his mind playing tricks on him.

"Because I don't deserve this. I thought I'd come out here and we'd kiss and make up but I can't."

His eyes went wide with the mention of making up but he remained focus and let her continue.

"I can't just keep coming back after hurting you and expect it to be okay. How many times have I done this before? Come back to you and you've just let me back in with barely any questions and fewer answers."

"Kate, please just-"

"I shouldn't have come here. I should have been stronger and let you move on." She shook her head, disappointed with her own revelation.

She took a step back towards the car and saw the doll sitting on the passenger seat and everything in her body ached. She went to get in the car when he slammed the door.

"Rick, don't." She tried to open the door again but his hand wouldn't budge from the door.

"No, you don't get to drive all the way out here and then leave again after a few minutes. We haven't even talked yet." His voice was calm and collected as he stood behind her, holding her door closed.

"Let me go." She was yanking on the door handle but he wouldn't budge.

"No." He said forcefully.

She turned to face him and shoved him hard.

It felt like déjà vu for her. It took her back to the night in the hanger with Montgomery and how Castle dragged her out and held her tight against the car.

He must have noticed the distress flash across her face and he tugged her away from the car and pushed her towards the house.

"Let me go." She said again, trying to shake his arms from her but they only held her tighter.

"I will never let you go." He whispered between her attempts to get free from his embrace.

She could feel her eyes stinging as she fought back the tears but he held tight.

"I'm sorry." She choked, finally letting the tears fall. She had her hands fisted in his shirt as she let her head rest against his chest.

The warmth of his chest and the familiar smell that she had missed made her cry harder.

His arms slowly caressed her back as he let her cry.

It felt like an eternity before she pulled away from him, looking straight at the ground.

"Kate." He whispered, lifting her chin with his hand.

"I'm sorry." She said again, bottom lip quivering, as she looked him right in the eyes.

"You're really here." He smiled, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

Her chest heaved as he spoke. How did she ever get this lucky?

Find someone that refused to see anything else but the good in her?

"Let's go inside." He said, pulling her into a hug and kissing the top of her head before leading her inside.

-x-

He didn't push her as he made coffee in the kitchen.

She sat silently at the breakfast bar watching him as he made his way around the kitchen, pulling down cups and grounding the coffee.

"Inside or out?" He asked, pushing a full cup towards her.

"Out."

He nodded, walking to the other side of the counter and held his hand out. She took it and feeling his hand squeeze hers felt like home.

She sat on the beach lounger and tugged for him to join her.

It was one of those massive loungers that he left out on the deck. They'd lazed on it when they were here last, he'd have his laptop and she'd happily read or nap next to him.

It had massive cushions that she sat against. He put their coffee on the deck and wrapped his hand around her thigh.

She knew he couldn't not touch her, not since being apart from each other so long and she wondered if he thought he was dreaming.

Because she felt like she was.

"Thank you for fixing the heat in my apartment."

He laughed and shook his head.

"After everything that has happened, that's what you want to start with?" He smiled, squeezing her thigh gently.

She looked him and frowned.

"Sorry." He chuckled, letting her have the floor again.

"Every time you rung or sent something I really wanted to hit you. I knew you wouldn't go down without a fight but I really wasn't expecting what you did. I'm not worthy of the lengths you went to, Rick."

He went to argue but she silenced him with a finger to his lips.

"I know other girls who would adore that kind of devotion but it reminded me of everything that I tried to give up, everything I tried to push away because I never wanted to see you hurt again, never wanted to have to wait in a waiting room and pace because you got shot." She ran her finger over the forming scar and sighed.

"I realised what I was doing to you, shutting you out and refusing to talk was probably worse than you actually getting shot. I was just so scared, so terribly frightened that you got hurt because I wasn't watching out for you, I let you get shot on my watch and then I had to tell Alexis and it seemed easier if I removed myself from the situation because it was my fault you were even in it.

"Kate, none of this was your fault. It was a freak accident and it could have happened to anyone." He tried to reason with her.

"But it didn't, it happened to you." She looked up to him, eyes red and puffy with new tears forming.

He sighed, wrapping his other hand around her waist and gently pushed her back so she was lying down. He snuggled down next to her, his forehead rested against hers.

"Close your eyes, Kate." He whispered and she did what he asked.

"I wish I could take it back, the look on your face when you found me has been haunting me, I can't get it out of my head. The pained look when you dropped to your knees beside me, you were yelling at Ryan to call for paramedics but you never took your eyes off of me. I have this nightmare where that is mixed in with your shooting and I wake up confused and the only thing I want is you next to me. I know you keep your feelings all bundled up in your heart and you don't like talking about some things but I need to tell you this, Kate, I need to share what I'm feeling because I feel like it's crushing me."

Beckett nodded slowly and her lips briefly touched his in the shortest kiss.

"The morning I woke up without you nearly killed me, we've spent nights apart before but I knew this was different. I rung you, found things of yours and it triggered these memories and then I had this purpose, this new story to tell to you about us. I knew you wouldn't call me back or turn up at the loft because you are so stubborn, Katherine Beckett, so completely set in your ways so I kept going, I kept pushing these memories on you hoping that you'd come to realise that we are worth fighting for, we're something you wanted to keep. When I remembered about the heat guy I said to myself I'd wait outside your apartment, I didn't want to go in because you hadn't given me permission but it got the better of me. I missed you so much and it was like I was waiting for you to get home from the precinct until I saw the ring box. When I saw it I nearly broke down and cried in front of the heat guy. I knew I'd lost the battle, I knew you weren't coming back to me and it took everything in me to leave your apartment."

His voice was falling apart but he pushed through, needing her to hear his words.

"I can barely remember the drive out here and once I got here I went straight to bed, needing to sleep for a day to recover. I didn't turn any lights on and crawled up in bed. It still smelt like you and when I felt your pajamas under your pillow it was like this pushing on my chest that made me ache. I can't remember what time I fell asleep because I just stared at your pillow, remembering waking up with you next to me, or falling asleep after a midnight dip in the ocean. When I saw the doll the next day I wondered how many more things, places or people would remind me of you, would push me back into that memory of us. I don't ever want to lose you again, I can't handle it, I can't deal with the pain of seeing you walk away or going to sleep without you."

"I'm sorry." She interrupted, needing him to hear her say it again. She'd say it every single day if it meant he would forgive her.

"Do you forgive me?" she asked, opening her eyes to be met with his.

"Kate, you don't need to ask that, you know the answer." He kissed her lips softly.

"I need to hear you say it." She whispered.

"I love you." He replied, both of them knowing that that was him saying she was forgiven. Because every time she told him she loved him or he told her, it was an apology, a forgiveness and a statement of their love all rolled into one. Because they would argue again, they would yell and there would be tears but it would always end in those three words.

* * *

><p><strong>Hello,<strong>

**So I don't know whether this is the end or not, It kind of feels that way and I honestly didn't mean for it to be but it just flowed and here we are.**

**Tell me if you want more and I'll keep going and if not, thank you for reading and reviewing.**

**You lot are amazing. **

**Hannah**


	5. Epilogue

Epilogue.

"Kate?"

Beckett turned to face him.

"Yeah?" She answered.

"You ready?" He asked, walking another step closer to her.

"In a minute." She said quietly, looking back out of the window.

She felt him step closer, wrap his hands around her middle and lips ghost her neck.

"You look absolutely stunning." He whispered.

"Not bad yourself, Castle." She smiled, leaning into his embrace.

It was a beautiful late afternoon in the Hamptons and the sun was just beginning to set.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked, his fingers caressing her waist.

"The past year and how much I screwed up." She closed her eyes.

"Kate, don't." He growled, tightening the grip on her and holding her still.

"I know, just being here brings it all back up and I found this." She opened her closed fist and handed him a small pink rock.

"When did you find this again?" He held the rock in his hand, the other was still wrapped protectively around Beckett.

"I put it in my handbag after you gave it back to me. I found it when I was looking for my lipstick. Timing is seriously something." She joked.

"That was over a year ago, I can't quite believe it."

He put the stone on the window ledge and kissed her neck.

"We're going to be late." She whispered.

"We're the party, they can wait."

She laughed at him, pushing him away so she could move out of his embrace.

"I'm ready." She smiled.

"Lead the way."

-x-

She could see him talking to the Mayor as she stood in the kitchen.

"Kate Beckett, you need a drink." Lanie smiled, handing her a full flute.

"Thanks." She smiled at her friend.

"I still can't believe this is finally happening." Lanie said as a very pregnant Jenny joined the two.

"Neither can I, it took you long enough to say yes." Jenny joked.

-x-

"_Castle, no." Beckett shook her head._

"_You sure know how to kill the romance." He joked._

"_It's too fast, especially after everything that has happened."_

"_I love you and that wont ever change, It's been eight months. I'll ask you everyday if I have to."_

"_Rick." Kate sighed but she couldn't help the smile._

"_Day two might go a little better." Rick took the box and leant back in his chair. _

"_You're not going to ask again tomorrow."_

"_Tomorrow will tell." Rick slid the box back into his jacket and picked up his iPhone._

_Not a moment later Kate heard the start up of Angry Birds._

_-x-_

"_Katherine Beckett?"_

"_Yes?" Kate looked up to find a uniform holding a white box._

"_Uh, Castle dropped this off in the lobby for you."_

"_Thanks." Kate smiled, taking the box and setting it down on her desk._

"_What's Castle up to now?" Esposito asked as he walked past her desk._

"_Oh I have no idea." Kate confessed as she looked over the box. _

_She opened the box and looked inside. _

_**A bear claw and a coffee to keep you caffeinated as I wont be there to refill you today, Ryan's taken on the job. Be ready by 7pm.**_

_Kate looked up to the break room and Ryan smiled, holding up the coffee pot._

_She pulls out her phone needing to know what is going on._

**K: Rick, what are you planning?**

**R: Just you wait. 7pm, see you then, Detective.**

**K: Castle, tell me.**

**R: No. 7. I love you.**

_Right on 7.00pm someone knocked on the door to the loft._

_Beckett opened the door to find Castle in the hallway._

"_Castle, why are you in the hallway of your own loft?" She had her hand on her hip and gave him a raised eyebrow._

"_Technically it's __ou__r loft and I'm trying to romance you and you're totally ruining it." He pouted, acting like a child._

"_Sorry. We'll start again." She let the door slam and waited for him to knock. _

_He did._

_She played his game and acted totally surprised that he was at the front door._

_They dined at a beautiful restaurant and he gave her his jacket when they walked through the park on their way home. _

"_Kate." Castle stopped and let his hands fall to his pockets._

"_In the middle of Central Park? Castle, don't you dare get down on one knee or I'll shoot you."_

_Castle just gave a sly smile and took another step towards Beckett._

"_I was just admiring the view." He said, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her on the nose._

"_Good."_

"_Plus if I was going to ask you to marry me I might have a slight problem."_

_She looked up to him but he spoke before she could say anything._

"_Because I was ever the gentleman and the ring is in the pocket of the jacket that you're currently looking gorgeous in." He kissed her cheek before taking a step away from her and continuing the walk home. _

_She felt both jacket pockets and she sure enough, she felt the black ring box. _

_She couldn't help but smile._

_-x-_

"_Let's go away for a weekend." He said, looking up from his computer._

"_Why?" She asked, stretching out on the couch._

"_Because we can. Vegas? Vineyard in Virginia? Or Disneyland in Florida?" _

"_We're not eloping in Vegas, All day drinking in a vineyard wont make it easier to say yes, and finally, being at Disneyland wont make me go all gooey and want the perfect fairytale prince to ask me to marry them."_

"_Beckett." He whined, putting his laptop on the coffee table._

"_What?" She looked up from her book._

"_Why are you ruining this?" He had that same pout that he'd given her several times over this subject. _

"_You'll know when it's the right time. Just wait it out." She kissed his cheek. _

_-x-_

_It had been over a month since his last approach at getting engaged. _

_He'd kept the ring in the top drawer of his bedside drawers and thought long and hard about what she meant._

_It had been a long day at the precinct for Beckett, she'd sent Castle home at midnight as he fell asleep on her desk and drooled on financials. _

_She crawled into bed after taking off her makeup and pulling herself out of her clothes. She'd been in them too long and she was far too tired to deal with it._

_Rick's green lantern shirt was hanging on the hook in bathroom and she pulled it over her head._

"_Kate?" Rick said, voice muffled into his pillow. _

"_Expecting someone else?" She giggled and snuggled closer to him._

"_Never." He moved so she could cuddle into him more._

"_Good." She yawned._

"_Tired?" He asked, eyes blinking open._

"_Yes. I missed you." She admitted._

_Castle loved sleepy Kate and her no filter._

"_You're the one that sent me home."_

"_You drooled on financials, Castle." She huffed, laying on her back._

"_You're wearing my green lantern shirt? How did I not notice that?" He moved on top of her, resting his weight on his right arm and letting his left hand run down her side till he got to the hem of the shirt._

"_Beckett, do you have pajamas on?" He looked under the cover and saw Beckett's bare legs._

"_No." She smiled at him, rolling her bottom lip between her teeth._

"_Tease." He said, leaning down to kiss her._

_When he heard that tiny moan she makes, the same one he almost comes undone by every time he pulled away._

_This time it was her time to pout._

"_Kate, you've been awake for twenty-seven hours."_

_She lifted her legs and wrapped them around his waist._

"_Kate." He growled._

"_What?" She said innocently._

"_You're wearing my green lantern shirt in our bed, with your hair perfectly tousled and your bare legs wrapped around my waist."_

"_And?"_

"_Marry me?" He asked, words flying out of his mouth before he could even think._

_She laughed and leaned up to kiss him. _

"_Yes." She whispered before kissing him again._

"_Did you just say yes?" He asked, looking down to Kate with pure wonder in his eyes._

"_You heard me." She laughed again._

_He leant over to his bedside cabinet and pulled the ring from the drawer and sat up. Kate pulled herself up with him, legs still wrapped around his._

_He opened the box and hand and took her left hand. _

_When she saw the ring he was gliding onto her finger she gasped._

"_Castle!"_

_He looked at her smiling, "What?" _

"_Oh my gosh." She held up her hand and the white gold diamond ring sparkled in the light from outside. _

_It was a square cut diamond with smaller diamonds around the outside of the bigger diamond. It wasn't raised or overly flashy._

_It was her._

_Just like her other ring from him._

"_Rick, it's beautiful." She couldn't stop looking at it._

_Kate Beckett wasn't a girly girl and certainly wasn't the girl that obsessed over rings, weddings and babies._

_But this ring? This could change everything._

"_I'm glad you like it. Although I'm more glad it's finally on your finger though." He laughed before he kissed her._

"_So we're getting married?" She asked looking up through her lashes at him._

"_Yes we are."_

"_I like this." She smiled, wrapping her arms around his neck and moving into his lap._

"_I like this too." He said, kissing her to show her just how much he liked this._

-x-

"Do we have to sleep in separate beds?" Castle asked as she packed his toothbrush into an overnight bag.

"Yes." She responded, grabbing for his green lantern shirt before stopping and holding it tightly.

"Why?" He whined, sitting down on the bed next to his bag.

"Because the next time I see you I'm going to be walking down that isle and I know I'm not that girl but I want it to be perfect."

He took her hand and pulled her into the space between his legs.

"I know, I just don't want to be without you."

"Tomorrow will change that." She smiled, handing him the shirt.

"I like you better in it. So tomorrow?" He smiled, nerves hidden well in his voice.

"I'll be the one in white walking down the isle."

"I'll be the one waiting for you at the other end." He kisses her cheek and pulls his bag off the bed.

She can't help but smile because it's all so perfect and she's not scared anymore. She wants this, she wants him forever.

-x-

"Lanie, you need some water." Kate smiles and holds out the cup.

Lanie's shaking her head and trying not to laugh.

It's her Bachelorette Party (her choice of name) and Kate's just managed to get her back to the loft after pulling her away from a bunch of male strippers.

"Where are we?" Lanie's laughing.

"At the loft, Lanie." She feels like rolling in her eyes but she wont in case Lanie sees her.

" 'Tis Castle here?" She's slurring her words and Kate tries not to laugh.

"He's with Javi."

"Can you shoot them in they are in a strip club?" Lanie asks, frowning but smiling at the same time.

"Lanie, we were in a strip club, actually three strip clubs tonight."

"Don't tell Javi."

And Kate has to laugh because in a week, two of her closest friends are getting married and it makes her so happy.

She walks Lanie up to the spare room and gets her into bed.

**K: Lanie in bed. Jenny 's sister picked her up from the loft. What a night.**

**R: Espo and Ryan are spooning. I'll send you a picture. Hope you didn't enjoy those policeman strippers too much, Beckett.**

**K: I should have known that you knew where we were going. Not fond of police strippers, they didn't have any civilian consultants or authors :(**

**R: Don't make me come over there. Left you something to cuddle because I'm not there. See you tomorrow, sexy. X**

**K: Go spoon Ryan and Javi. X**

She walks down the stairs and into their room and tucked into his side of the bed is her doll that he won for her at the carnival over two years ago.

It had managed to be left at the Hamptons again after their reunion. She's finally brought it back after a girl's weekend she spent out there with Lanie, Jenny and Alexis.

But next to her doll is the one that she brought him.

-x-

_It had been an awful case and neither of them quite knew what to say to each other. A toddler had been murdered and it had shaken the entire precinct. _

_Captain Gates had even hugged Ryan when he broke down. Elijah was only a few months old and it was Ryan's first case back as a brand new dad._

_He got sent home and Esposito and Beckett stayed all night. Castle went and got changes of clothes and coffee and stayed himself. _

_But now it was over and the killer was in the cells and all Beckett wanted to do was sleep._

"_Might go see Alexis." He said quietly in his chair._

"_That's a good idea. Give her a hug from me." _

"_You're not coming?" He asks, looking up to her._

"_I have to finish this up. I'll bring dinner home." She pulls the paper work down from the pile and smiles at him._

_He nods but doesn't move._

"_Rick, go see Alexis. Annoy her until she makes you leave and I'll meet you at home."_

_He rubs his hand over his unshaven face and his ring catches her eye. It still marvels her that they are married, that she actually married Richard Castle._

"_I love you." He says and she reaches out and takes his hand._

"_I love you more." _

"_Don't play that game with me or neither of us will be going anywhere." He smiles and she sighs in relief. _

"_I'll see you at home." He leans in and kisses her. Usually they keep their public displays of affection to a minimum in the precinct but no one could blame them after the week they've had. _

"_Sure will." _

_-x-_

_She's walking to the loft when she sees dolls in the display cabinet of toy store that Rick's dragged her into before._

_It looks like the doll he won for her with the button eyes and giant head. There's a boy one and it makes her smile at how much it looks like Rick. _

"_Rick?" She's walking through the loft with the bag in her hand._

"_In here." He calls out from the office and she sets down the chinese and follows the voice._

"_Hey." She smiles, "You writing?"_

_He shakes his head and eyes up the bag she's holding._

"_You're rubbing off on me. I brought you a toy today."_

_He laughs and holds out his hands. She moves around the room, sets the bag down on the desk and climbs onto his lap._

"_Close you eyes." She whispers._

"_Saying I'm rubbing off on you, buying me toys and now I have to close my eyes." He raises his eyebrows at her suggestively and she smacks his chest. _

"_Do you always have to go there?" _

"_Well I'm still waiting to know how you really know so much about custom leather handcuffs, Detective." _

"_And you'll be waiting a long time. Close you eyes."_

_He does what he's told and closes his eyes. She pulls out the doll and puts it into his open hands. His eyes flicker open immediately and he smiles down at the doll._

"_It's your own one." She notices her one is on his desk and she picks it up._

"_I love it." He's smiling and it's made her happy. She loves coming back to the loft after a case and having him there to get over the blah of it all._

"_So now we have one each."_

_It makes her laugh that two grown adults are so happy over toys that children play with, but it's them, it's what it represents, shows how far they've come. _

-x-

She leaves them where they are in the bed and snuggles in next to them.

It's the first night she's spent without him since the night before the wedding and she's wondering how she ever became this girl, the one that is so happy in love.

She closes her eyes and sighs.

-x-

She hears footsteps in the loft and she wonders if Lanie is already awake, it's early and she thought her friend wouldn't surface until mid afternoon. The door into their room swings home and Rick walks in and jumps on the bed.

"Castle!" She moans when he snuggles into her warm bed.

"I missed you and I forgot to tell you that I loved you last night so here I am."

"What's the time?" She asks as he nuzzles into her neck.

"Seven. Ryan had that family lunch in Brooklyn, I have no idea how he's even going to get himself changed and Espo wanted to see Lanie."

"He upstairs?" She asks, fighting a yawn.

"If he made it up the stairs, I didn't check." Rick laughs.

He's quiet for a moment before he lifts his head.

"I see you've got a few tiny extras in the bed." He smiles noticing that she's kept them in his spot in the bed.

Kate nods and runs her hand down his cheek as he moves on top of her. His nose is ghosting over hers in Eskimo kisses and he smiles.

"We might want to shield their eyes before they become scarred." He jokes, pushing them from the bed so they topple onto the floor.

"You can't just do that when we've got kids in the bed." Kate laughs and looks up to Rick.

He's staring at her; eyes wide and mouth open in shock because they've talk about kids very briefly and it's always been a maybe and been left at that.

"What?" She asks, wrapping her legs around his waist.

He doesn't even answer, just has the most shocked look on his face.

"There's a reason I didn't join Lanie in doing body shots off male strippers tonight." And she smiles, cradling his face and kissing him.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: There you have it, the final. **

**Thanks to everyone who read, reviewed and alerted. It was a really fun one to write!**

**Hannah**


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